Seen & Heard in Accra

A few of my friends were in the habit of collecting quotes, which (especially when taken out of context) are quite funny. I realized that I’ve seen and heard my fair share of amusing things during my time in Ghana so far! Of course, the point of this post is to share them with you, but I’m going to ruin them for you by placing them in context as well. I’m such a party pooper.


1) “PUSSY licker” - On a woman’s shirt, walking in Asylum Down

I saw this on a T-shirt (on an actual woman! Who was holding the hand of a small child!) during my first days in Accra, as I was innocently walking along the street. And, yes, the capitalized emphasis is accurate. From my summer living in China, I’m used to seeing non-sensical, cutesy “Engrish” (“Time for Friendly!”) on shirts, so I almost fell into the nearest open sewer ditch when I saw this one. Mind you, I’ve got nothing against pussy lickers, per se, but the fact that someone would display the word “PUSSY” so prominently on a T-shirt AND wear it in public both shocked and amused me! English is the official language of Ghana, and I simply assumed that the wearer of the shirt knew what this saying meant. After sharing this shirt anecdote with Yinka, she said that, weeelllll, the lady probably didn’t know what she was wearing. Maybe, Yinka suggested, she was wearing it because it was a nice design or something. And rightly she should, but I’ve got my doubts: it was just a plain black T-shirt, with the word “PUSSY” emblazoned (I’m talking armpit-to-armpit emblazoned here!) in huge white block letters, with “licker” in smaller letters beneath. Eh, whatever. Who am I to question another’s fashion sense?


2) “Ghanaian guys love the ass.” - Yinka

While watching a new TV sitcom with Yinka, there was a shot of a guy following a girl who was jogging. The camera pans onto her ass and proceeds to stay there for a few minutes. Straight ass shot. I couldn’t help but think, “Oooh, that girl’s kinda chunky!” Like I’m one to talk, right? Anyhooo…

I guess my face registered some sort of confused reaction, because Yinka could not help but notice it. She shared with me that the girl – who I would objectively classify as overweight by US standards – had the ideal figure for the typical Ghanaian guy, who quite admires a lady’s hips and behind. The men like their women “well-covered” (i.e., with a little meat on her bones). Yinka personally chalked it up to the fact that, traditionally, in the villages, a woman who was about to be married would be placed in a “Fattening House” about a month before her wedding date, whereupon her bridesmaids (or, the Ghanaian equivalents, anyway) would do nothing but cook for and feed her up until the wedding ceremony. By the time her fiancé saw her on the wedding day, she’d be nice and plump. Well, I guess millennia of tradition die hard! It was interesting though. Nowadays, I think most of the girls are also into being slim à la Western standards.

The fascination with the ass, however, continues. Yinka says that sometimes, on her shoots, she’ll give her video camera to her cameraman and end up with an inordinate amount of ass shots. Hee hee.


3) “I don’t like that place because of the hookers.” - Friend #1

This was in reference to an obruni spot (again, spot=bar) that I went to called Byewell’s, which despite my friend’s (true) observation, is actually kind of cool. Yet, let it be known throughout the land to those who don’t know it, that wherever foreigners gather, so shall there be local women (and men) there to sleep with them or to hustle ‘em out of their money. It’s the golden rule of international travel, really. This was true in China, and it’s true here, too. It’s especially disturbing to me to see young girls basically sell themselves to guys who are willing to take advantage of them (the sight of the greasy, middle-aged Europeans in Speedos at La beach flirting with the local girls made me want to throw up). And, equivalently, sad to see a guy who genuinely want to find a girlfriend get hustled. Alas, what’s that wise old saying? “Don’t hate the playa, hate the game.” And so I shall.


4) “Pssssssssssssssst!” - [insert random Ghanaian here]

Ghanaians hiss to get your attention. If you’re used to people silently raising their hand or saying “Excuse me” to get your attention, a “Psssssssst!” may seem rude. I personally just find it creepy – it always surprises me somehow. My favorite “Psssssssst!” incident was when a street kid was like, “Psssssssst! [waves me over to him] Money?” Yeah right, kid, I’m really gonna give you money after you “Psssssssst”ed at me. Sometimes, in the Internet café, people around me with “Psssssssst!” in relatively quick order, so it’s like surround-sound stereo.


5) “Herrrroooowwww.” - Man-Cat #1

After many nights of sleeplessness, I’ve finally deciphered what one particular Man-Cat who lingers around the apartment has been saying. It’s definitely a long, drawling “Hello”, with an Asian accent (l’s replaced by r’s) – therefore, “Herrrroooowwww”. Yes, CREEPY. Refer to the Kim Jong-Il puppet in Team America: World Police if necessary.


6) “I don’t even know the name of the street I live on!” - Friend #2

If you’re used to the street grid of Chicago, identifying locations with street names, and street-led directions, forgeddaboudit here in Ghana. Here, the directions go something like this: “Okay, walk down this street until you get to the shoe shop, then turn and walk over the bridge, past the muddy river and the kebab stand, cross that street, walk past the Barnett’s furniture store, and you’ll be at the Internet café!”

Got it?

The first couple days I was here, I just couldn’t understand how Yinka could drive around the city. And, really, the quote above is appropriate. People don’t really know street names and navigate by landmarks and distance instead. I got lost one day while heading to the National Museum on Iforgotthenameofthisstreet Street, so I ask a passerby, “How do I get to Iforgotthenameofthisstreet Street?” He proceeds to say something like, “Er, you have to walk this way for about 30 minutes, then turn left when you get to the bend of the road and you’ll be there…I think.” WHAT? Feeling that, deep in my bones, this wasn’t right, I asked someone else, who helped me find my way by personally escorting me (really nice!). We did some crazy turns into weird alleys and jumped over a few ditches, but we got there. Who the heck would know this unless they’ve lived in Accra all their life?!?!? Yeesh.

Landmarks are also used for tro-tro (minibus) and shared taxi stops here, but they’re not really labeled by a sign. Instead, they have vague names like, “Blue Kiosk”. So, once you see the Blue Kiosk, you say, “Mate, please stop at the Blue Kiosk.” But what if the Blue Kiosk blows away one day?!? And which Blue Kiosk (there’s one on every corner)?!? Needless to say, I think I’d rather walk.


7) “Um, those are breasts on TV.” - Me

Yes, I know it’s egotistical/hedonistic of me to quote myself, but I’ve got a point here, I swear! I saw the aforementioned breasts on a Saturday morning show called “Today’s Woman” that was doing a segment on breast enhancement. Holy crap! Extended shots of bare-chested women for 10 minutes. This was not Cable or Satellite TV – just the regular ol’ network shows that anyone can get. And it was 9 AM!

And, then again, it really makes you think about American news and TV versus Ghana’s, and other parts of the world, for that matter. American movies are known for violence, cursing, and sex, but our news is freakishly tame. In Ghana, I’ve seen breasts, bums, and other verboten body parts abound in news and news-type segments. During the Evening News, they even show extended footage of actual dead, mangled bodies being pulled from car wrecks (by the way, they never warn you about the disturbing dead bodies…only after they show the footage will the news anchors sometimes say, “We apologize if you found any of that disturbing.” Hee!). By contrast, Ghanaian movies and TV shows are very tame – there’s hints of sex and stuff, but no on-screen kissing or coitus. The kissing alone is apparently quite racy.

So maybe that’s something twisted about American society – we tolerate violence and sex as long as it’s imaginary, but we can’t deal with it in real life. On the other hand, other countries confront that sort of ugly reality everyday, and it’s only in the imaginary, man-made realms that they can control it (as demonstrated by not having it at all). But I’m probably getting a bit too philosophical here!


8) “Hello, my wife!” - Yinka’s weird landlord

Yinka’s landlord is a older gentleman in his seventies who, by all accounts, is the stereotypical crochety old man who doesn’t like anyone. So, imagine my surprise during my first social exchange with him:

Landlord: [glares at me with a mean stare] Are you here to see me?
Me: No, sir. Yinka.
Landlord: Oh! [brightens] I love you!

Weird, eh? Anyway, so now, whenever he sees me, he greets me with the above quote. I guess it’s the submissive Asian thing. Whatev.


Sidenote of the Day: Insomniac Rooster is M.I.A.

Some of you may have heard my complaints about the Insomniac Rooster next door who crowed incessantly and without reason throughout the night. Honestly, for my first 2 ½ weeks in Accra, I didn’t not sleep well because of this rooster. It was my Arch Enemy, the Bane of My Existence, my Toking Bastard. Yinka tried to reassure me that, at least it would be dead and eaten by Christmas. Late at night, I seriously hatched plans to kidnap and murder Insomniac Rooster and feast upon it.

But lately Insomniac Rooster has been, gleefully, M.I.A. I’ve slept straight through the night for 3 nights straight now! Maybe the neighbors got tired of that bastard rooster and decided to feast a bit early. One can only hope. In any case, I’m only sorry that I didn’t take a photo of the I.R. to show you all. God knows I could’ve just taken a picture of its many rooster brethren running around the streets of Accra…but, hey, all’s well that ends well.